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Omg this l4m3r is a legend of m4d sk1llz in his own fallaciously l33t mind. The last 30 seconds, however, is worth sitting through all the rest of the drivel.

Hillary vs Obama SNL skit.

I , the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are rarely able to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned tasks. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
“The Management”

Brought to you by those sly folks at theonion.com.

“Many observers believe Fidel Castro will either be replaced by his brother Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro.”

Hat tip - Daily Kos.

10. You don’t feel guilty about doing it alone.

9. No one ever starts rumors about how much you sleep.

8. You don’t feel like a total loser if you didn’t get any.

7. You don’t have to pay for sleep.

6. You don’t need to sleep after sleeping.

5. You can sleep for eight hours straight.

4. You can sleep in church.

3. Your teddy bear never complains about how often you want to sleep.

2. While you’re asleep you can have sex with anyone you want.

1. It’s legal to sleep in any position in all 50 states!

The questions are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?
I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I’ve seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define ‘pretty’
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is “Buy a Corvette.”)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

She….Would you get married again?
He…..Definitely not!
She….Why not - don’t you like being married?
He…..Of course I do.
She….Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
He…..Okay, I’d get married again.
She….You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He…..Yes, I would.
She….Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He…..Where else would we sleep?
She….Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He…..That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She….And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He…..She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
Published on 11/21/2006

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

“At least, they’re finally together.”

A man standing next to the priest asks, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?”

The priest says, “I mean her legs.”

Have a little Stephen on demand.

Funny Videos

Dubya’s been a thinkin’ things over….

A group of people decide to prove that blondes are not really dumb. For this reason, they gather 80,000 natural blondes at Giants stadium. The host randomly picks out one blonde and asks her to come down to the center. They are standing at the microphone as he asks her:
“What’s two times two?”
“Five”, answers the blonde and smiles.
The guy shakes his head, but the whole stadium shouts, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
Then the guy asks her, “What’s three times three?”
“Eight”, answers the blonde proudly.
The guy is about to let her return to her seat, but the whole stadium starts to shout again, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”
So the guy asks her one more question. “What’s four times four?”
“Sixteen”, answers the blonde shyly.
Before the guy expresses his reaction, the whole stadium starts to shout, “Give her one more chance, give her one more chance!”

courtesy of Askmen.com

Pig Breeding Joke

Bride has expensive fun.

Apologies ahead of time to the ladies

“New Rule: You can’t send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it’s still here. The helicopters, the Humvees, the men… Like Dorothy and Toto, they’re not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time…was you. ”
—Bill Maher

Hat tip - DailyKos

“Hillary Clinton is running for president. She set a fundraising record—she’s already raised 26 million dollars. That’s a lot of money. To put that in perspective, that is more money than President Bush lost in all the years he was a businessman.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he’s raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he’s raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he’s raised two children.”
—Conan O’Brien

“Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you’ve got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? He’s created so many disasters, I’m not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year’s Mardi Gras.”
—Bill Maher

“Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson—the guy from Law and Order—is thinking of running. He’s only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate.”
—Jay Leno

Careful what you wish for...

Silly mouse joke.