The Tiger Woods story keeps getting more bizarre. Yesterday, Health Central Hospital in Orlando, Florida was back as part of the story as Elin Nordegren’s mother was taken to the hospital. She has since been released, but the entire episode just added to the media frenzy surrounding this story. It also brings the spotlight back to Tiger’s home situation. Will Elin be leaving Tiger soon to escape back to Sweden? There’s also speculation that Tiger and Elin may escape nearer to Sweden together.
Meanwhile, Steve Lewis has a devastating post describing what really happens in the VIP world frequented by Tiger and his alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel. Lewis explains the world dominated by bottle service, VIP hostesses and the special attention and services provided to whales and VIP athletes. Needless to say, facilitating access to hot girls is the top priority.
Finally, we’re starting to see cracks in the Tiger Woods marketing machine. Gatorade announced that they had discontinued a Tiger drink, though they claim the decision had been made before the controversy. Also, reports say that most Tiger commercials have been pulled from the air since the beginning of the month. That’s not a surprise.
What’s next?
The problem for Tiger Woods is that he’s now a punch line, and the sponsors hate that. George Lopez had a field day last night in his monologue. He’s focused on the tag lines used by Tiger’s sponsors and how they now have a new meaning with the scandal. Accenture says “Be a Tiger.” Nike says “Just Do it.” And, the best one is Gatorade which says “Is It In You?” Ouch! Check out the hilarious clip of Lopez above.
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ‘penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”
Omg this l4m3r is a legend of m4d sk1llz in his own fallaciously l33t mind. The last 30 seconds, however, is worth sitting through all the rest of the drivel.
I , the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are rarely able to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned tasks. And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
“The Management”
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I’ve seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define ‘pretty’
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is “Buy a Corvette.”)
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
She….Would you get married again?
He…..Definitely not!
She….Why not – don’t you like being married?
He…..Of course I do.
She….Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
He…..Okay, I’d get married again.
She….You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He…..Yes, I would.
She….Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He…..Where else would we sleep?
She….Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He…..That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She….And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He…..She can’t use them; she’s left-handed. Published on 11/21/2006
