Tools, and How To Not Be One

Ladies and gentleman, it is with mild vexation and great accountability that I present you with the bane of existence to every good woman’s humility—The Tool.

Or in the case of this Google searched random Jpeg, “The Tools.”

Many great years ago, in a time where women churned butter, horses lead carriages, and meals were not microwavable, men were, for arguments sake, a lot less dumb. To specify: financial secure men with good upbringings, solid educations, and hopeful futures were a lot less dumb and/or lazy. Keeping up appearance meant securing a fine career, courting a nice lady, and settling in a respectable home. However, as the years passed, Nintendo came to be, and way to much acknowledgement was given to reality stars and fake tans, men started to believe that loads of hair gel, a cool car, and Hot Pockets always on hand were away to not only build self confidence, but also to gain respect from others.


What we have here in this picture is a great example of The Tool because not only does it display his lack of virtue, inept fashion sense, and horrid hairstyle, but it also exhibits his conformity, crippled creativity, and, again, horrid hairstyle.

You see, while The Tool is harmless, vapid, and shallow, he is also useless, annoying, and irreverently cocky. Confidence is a beautiful thing, for sure; but fake tans, Muscle Milk, Bud Lights, Polo’s, living at home, and treating girls like a pizza delivery service because you believe you “got it like that,” is nothing short of repugnantly repelling.

If you want to date many a Snooki (minus her fame and fortune) then go ahead, dress, act, and be like these guys.

However, if you want to date an actual woman who will respect you and not make a shit-ton of fun of you behind your back, drop the act you think is so cool, develop a hobby that is not related to gym-tan-laundry, and possibly, read a book.

You are living in a privileged world.  Take advantage of it by exploring it, learning about it, and thriving in it. Not by sitting on your mom and dad’s couch while playing video games, eating frozen food, and disrespecting women.

Let 2013 be the year men redeem themselves, and I promise you, women will do what they can to make sure accidents like Lindsay Lohan and Heidi Montag will never happen again.

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