Bullz-Eye.com has annouced it’s 2009 class of five new inducties to its Stand-up Comics Hall of Fame. Eddie Murphy leads the class. See who else was inducted.
Classic Eddie:
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like 10, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home.”
Well, the boss likes the kid so he gives him a job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
The next day, after the store’s been locked up, the boss says, “How many sales did you make?”
The kid says, “Just one.”
The boss says, “Just one?! Our salespeople average twenty to thirty sales a day! How much was the sale for?”
The kid grins and says, “$99,327.99.”
The boss says, “$99,327.99? What the hell did you sell?”
The kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. The he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer.”
The boss says, “You mean, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?”
The kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, your weekends’s shot; you might as well go fishing.’”
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be $9.40 please,” she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
“The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
Jon Stewart strikes again.
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